Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Come into my lair, said the spider to the fly (or, How My Brother Met Fugly)

I have to give her credit for her ingenuity, although these days she probably would have been fired for going through his personal records. He was a student at a local university, she was a secretary in the computer lab.

He was and is a MAJOR computer freak (not to be confused with "geek," which he is NOT lol). As such, he spent hours in the computer lab. He has never been big on relationships, as they take too much work on his part. The women he has dated have all pretty much made the first move. He is handsome, 6'5, average build (working out would have also taken too much effort), funny and intelligent. Also narcissistic and lazy. Quite the catch, eh ladies?

Fugly is short, and rather non-descript if you want to be nice & not notice that she could eat apples through a fence. She is a shrew who always has an ulterior motive for doing things; they must be of benefit to HER in some way. Sad. Her personality is rather brash, and she often says totally stupid and intentionally hurtful things, in the guise of humor. I could have easily overlooked her LOOKS, had she ever been a NICE person. But I will get to that in a moment.

She kept "running into" him. When he would need something, it was always she who would be there to help, even if it wasn't her area. She would "accidentally" bump into him or just "happen" to pop into his elevator at the last minute.

Those things could have been perfectly innocent happenings, had she not actually had the balls to tell me what started all of it. I instantly hated her for that, but she didn't tell me until they'd married. That's when HE found out too, although he was flattered. Idiot.

Apparently, she really liked what she saw. Blond hair, blue eyes, tall, good looking. This is where her ingenuity came in. Looking at his lab sign-in sheet, she found his name and social security number. She then proceeded to search his personal records for information. She obtained his address, phone numbers, major (read: income potential), class schedule; every bit of his confidential info. She would show up outside of his classrooms at the end of class to "accidentally" run into him.

He asked her out because, with HIM, she was perky. Sickeningly, what KEPT him (according to HER) was her blowjob talent. Yes, she actually TOLD ME THAT. EWWWWWWW. That is a fucking image I did not NEED to have burned into my brain. My eyes are bleeding.

I hate to burst her bubble, but it wasn't just her special talent to not nick his dick with those bucked teeth that kept him with her. It was his hatred of my dad. He hated my DAD more than he liked HER.

My dad & bro NEVER got along well, and my brother hated living in our house. My dad was an oppressive asshole fireman (think: major power trips, delusions of grandeur, quite full of himself). My brother was a rebellious hippie-type, who smoked weed, played Zeppelin too loud & stayed away as much as possible.

Fugly had her own HOME. Hmmmmmm.....move in with her & receive regular BJ's and home cooked meals without being bitched at or stay at home and be harassed by the man... tough choice. NOT.

When he first started dating her, he brought her home to introduce her to us. She was quiet and bird-like, and obviously nervous about meeting us. I thought she was probably just shy. We did our best to make her feel comfortable. I thought that he could have done much better in the looks department, but I figured she must be a sweetheart. Wrong. That shy/sweet act was a disguise to help her gauge us.

About 2 weeks later, we were in my parents' family room/dining room (it is one long room separated by a room-length step. My bro was reading the paper at the dining room table. I was sitting on the couch next to my boyfriend watching TV. Fugly was standing next to my brother as he read and, unbeknownst to me, staring at me.

"Your brother is so GODDAMN good-looking, what the hell happened to YOU?" she blurted out. I just looked up at her, incredulously. I had to shake my head for a second to make sure I'd actually HEARD right.

"Excuse me?" I said to her. She actually repeated it! Well, my Miss Nice Girl politeness took a major hike.

I asked her, "Do you value your life?" She looked a bit perplexed and cocked her head slightly.

"Because I'll knock your ugly ass through that wall, bitch," as I glared at her.

She did a little curtsey-duck-in-next-to-my-bro-thing. He never missed a beat. Not even looking up from his paper, he said to her "She means it, too." That let the air out of her balloon.

And so began my "relationship" with Fugly (the Glamour Shots pic in the previous post is actually HERS). I will amaze and astound you with tales of her (and her mother, Jabba's) stupidity in posts to come. I will also have to link to some more pictures, just so you can compare our looks at the time she SAID this shit to me. I haven't always had great self-esteem, but I CLEARLY am more attractive than she. At least I can close my mouth over my front teeth. Bitch.


Blogger Lost said...

Dear gawd I just looked at the pictures linked in the other post. That is just frightening. Their son must take after his father.

12:22 PM  
Blogger Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

Those pics are truly frightening!

What a manipulative, conniving bitch...if I was your brother, I would be so creeped out, but then again most guys don't seem to think along the same wavelength as women do from my recent observations;>

1:36 PM  
Blogger GA girl said...

Stalking is not flattering. Only a man would think this. And I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that she blows more than his dick. It sounds like she shot a big ole wad of hot air up his ass to make him feel really good about himself. If your dad was anything like mine, his selfesteem was probably pretty low, and along comes this girl who is willing to pt out, has a place for him to escape to, and thinks that he is God, and he doesn't even really have to put himself out around her. He gets to be himself, and she fawns. Until the ring. This is always true until the ring. She can be a bitch to you, and he will think that it is nerves, or that she is just trying to hold her own because you have a stronger personality, or whatever, and then, after the ring, he is surprised that she REALLY is a bitch. Men always think with thier dicks. It's a shame that that head doesn't have a brain.

1:43 PM  
Blogger GA girl said...

OH MY GOD!!!!! I just looked at the pics from the previous post. I had somehow skipped that and had only seen the post b4 that one's pics. JABBA is too damn nice. Isn't your brother afraid that he will fall asleep one night and that she will turn into her mother and smother him while he sleeps? Not that I normally make fun of people for their looks, but good lord! How is that woman still alive? She has to be tremondously unhealthy. I'd be afraid that she would come visiting and that my couch coundn't support her. You must have wonderful patience. I am not allowed to meet my brother's in-laws, so I don't know what they are like, but damn girl! Damn!

1:49 PM  
Blogger snaps79 said...

Whaaaaaa haaaaa haaaa!!! I'm going to look at the pics now!!!

2:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoying your posts.
Are you done with the spring break stories?

8:36 AM  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

Lost: actually, their Spawn of Satan Son looks more like his mother with his beady eyes lol. There is a SLIGHT touch of my brother in him, in addition to the narcissism, I mean. heh

Woo Woo: you've got THAT right.

GA girl: bingo, bingo, bingo!!! The pic I have up of Jabba, really isn't. I didn't have one handy & that's the closest I could find LOL (someone sent it to me via email). It's funny though, cuz she recently lost weight on Atkins, but her mouth is still a huge gaping hole filled with bad dentures. I will post a pic when I find one. Everytime she speaks, something stupid comes out.

HDL: quite a sight, eh? lol

Anon: no, I am actually not done with Spring Break yet, but I am having a temporary writer's block. I think I have been trying to forget Tiva. ROFLMAO More to come though, so keep checking.

Thanks to all for visiting & commenting. I have a riot writing all of this stuff

10:10 AM  
Blogger TIMMY! said...

Stalking? No, it was love at first sight where she had to look up personal information so she could follow him around and watch him sleep because there is nothing wrong with that at all if you're in love....right? Uhhh - that's what I told myself the first time I got convicted of stalking.

best line -
"Because I'll knock your ugly ass through that wall, bitch," as I glared at her.

12:26 PM  
Blogger GA girl said...

we miss you. start posting agin soon!

8:08 AM  

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