Thursday, May 26, 2005

Spring Break 2005 (part 3)

For some reason, it looked like Tiva actually had more luggage than she'd brought to our house, but that was an optical illusion. The luggage was just more unwieldy at the airport. You have to picture it: this average-sized girl trying to lug 2 HUGE, I mean HUUUUUUGE-ASS, suitcases, a carry-on and a purse with a long strap. The purse strap kept slipping off her shoulder, making her stop every 3 feet or so to fix it. She'd then pick up everything & try to walk again. I suggested that she put the strap on the opposite shoulder so it would stay put. Bobble, bobble. Did I mention that she was wearing kitten heels?

In the meantime, we were all whispering amongst ourselves, "There is NO WAY that we are carrying ANY of her bags for her." I actually said "fucking bags." The girls were more restrained than I.

I encouraged Tiva to get one of those luggage carts. She thought it was a great idea until she got close enough to realize that it would cost her $2.00. She decided to carry her luggage herself. For TWO DOLLARS!! TWO FUCKING DOLLARS!!!! How cheap can you get? Oh, and did I mention that she is afraid of elevators?

She refused to get into any elevator. We needed to go down one level to get to our rental car van. Ummm, let's see: Won't. Use. Elevators. Shitload. Of. Luggage. Wearing. Kitten. Heels. Hmmmm, hilarity is sure to ensue. Having taken the elevator & left her behind, we all stood at the bottom of the escalator, awaiting her big moment.

She does not disappoint us. She was ACTUALLY going to attempt to take ALL OF HER LUGGAGE onto the escalator at once. Did I mention she was wearing kitten heels? We are all just DYING inside & trying our best not to laugh out loud. I have never seen so many facial contortions in my life. I nearly pissed myself, but tried to look like the concerned chaperone I was supposed to be.

I was beginning to wonder why she was allowed out in public without supervision. Oh, wait. I WAS her supervision. FUUUUUUUCKKKKK. This could be a lonnnng trip.

Sympathetic to her plight (but NOT sympathetic enough to carry any of her luggage), I holler up to her: "Try bringing ONE big bag down at a time & make a second trip for the other one!" Bobble, bobble. Good girl. We have success.

The one good thing about her bringing all that luggage is that she couldn't use her cellphone since her hands were full. Good GOD, what sweet relief!

We had to take a van to an off-site car rental place. I figure now is a good time to teach the girls Tipping 101. A buck a bag for the roundtrip if the van driver takes it out of your hands. You don't tip for anything that you hold onto. We all give up our bags & everyone tips him when he takes them off the van at the rental place.

Except for Tiva. Not one dollar, not one quarter, not even a fucking dime. Did I mention that all of her luggage combined weighed more than a small adult? And that this nice old man had to lift all of her shit onto & off of the van--something like 3 feet off the ground?? And she didn't even THANK him, let alone tip him? I was seething as I slipped him a few more bucks & warmly thanked him. Seems like it was gonna take a SpEd class in tipping, since Tipping 101 was obviously wayyyy too advanced for her. Either that, or I was gonna have to kick her ass. I hadn't decided yet.

I'll spare you the boring story of our rental car mix-up. Ultimately we ended up with our Ford Taurus, as I'd requested. In between, there were 2 more escalator episodes, and by now we were getting cranky with. Those fucking kitten heels were definitely slowing us down. It was 11PM and we were tired, hungry as hell and ready to get to the hotel.

Clickityclickityclickity went the kitten heels as we headed to the car. Hmmm. Did I mention that we had LIMITED TRUNK SPACE IN THE RENTAL CAR? Of course, since her suitcases were the biggest, they went into the trunk first. Uh-oh. Gee, I wonder why we still had 2 suitcases that won't fit? Oh, I remember! It's because we had LIMITED TRUNK SPACE IN THE RENTAL CAR!

I couldn't hold it in any longer. "Just WHAT fucking part of 'ONE suitcase and ONE carry-on' didn't you understand?" She looked at me with a blank expression and wide eyes. I then told her that since she was the reason that the rest of the suitcases didn't fit, she'd have to put them on her lap for the ride to the hotel. Bobble bobble. And she didn't say another thing during the ride.

Until we got to McDonald's.


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