Thursday, May 26, 2005

Spring Break 2005 (part 10)

Since we had basically fucked off for the first 3 days of the trip, we needed to move our asses to get good use of our theme park passes. At least we got out of bed by 8am on ONE day. But today was NOT that day.

We decided to go to Universal & then to Islands of Adventure. Like the good mommy that I am, I made sure everyone peed before we left the hotel & reminded them to make sure they had whatever they needed for the day. I put some frozen water bottles in my fanny pack and off we went for the 20 minute ride to the parks.

Parking was a bitch. We ended up having to park WAAYYYY the hell out in the structure. As we are walking toward the park, I just happened to ask if everyone had their pass. Check, check, check, check and Tiva, who asked incredulously, "I was 'sposed to bring that ticket WITH me?"


You have to understand that as I am trying to keep a civil tongue with her, my HEAD has a whole lotta OTHER things going on in there.

Me, on the OUTside: "Yes, that is your five day pass." (on the INside, "YOU fucking moron!")

Tiva: "I dint know that. I don't have it with me."

Me on the OUTside: "Crap, I guess we'll have to go back to the hotel & get it." (on the INside, "YOU fucking MORon!")

Believe it or not, I am usually a pretty easygoing person. But when somebody obviously has their brain set on "assbag," I have a problem with them.

The other girls looked stricken. I didn't see the point in them having to pay for Tiva's mistake. I told them to go into the park and ride the coasters that Tiva was so deathly afraid of. I figured they could get 1 or 2 of them in before we got back in about an hour.

Tiva and I were the only ones with cellphones, so I had her give hers to the girls. We would call them when we got back to the park. Off we went to battle rush hour traffic.

I'd actually stayed pretty cool--what else could I do? I didn't really care about being in the park anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. I just wanted the girls to have a good time.

We got her pass and made it back to the park in an hour. I dialed Tiva's cellphone number. Huh, that was weird--I got an "out of service" message. Tried again. Same thing.

Tiva tried it. Nothing. Then a light bulb went off in her head. Man, I swear I could SEE it go "BLINK!" right out of her ear holes. And she got this surprised, bright-eyed look on her face, as if this was the first good idea she'd ever had in

"OHHHHHHH! They mussa shut off mah phone cuz I wennover mah minnits!"

Um, no Sherlock, that would be incorrect. First of all, you don't have a prepaid phone, you pay a bill every month (well, you are SUPPOSED to). Second, they are ECSTATIC if you go over your minutes because they can CHARGE YOU UP THE ASSSSS for the overage.

Whatever it was, we were FUCKED because we couldn't get in touch with the others. FUUCCCCKKKKK. I was beginning to think this whole "Take-Tiva-To-Orlando" thing was a mistake. Jesus H. Christ, she was like a jinx or a bad talisman or something. More like a really bad rash. I think I was allergic to her; I was breaking out in hives. I needed a drink. A BIG drink....and I am not a drinker. Shit.

We ended up wandering around the park for about 1/2 an hour and ran into them. We were all ready to eat dinner. But not all of us were ready to $hell out actual MONEY in order to eat. Gue$$ who?

Me, (on the OUTside): " Let's go eat at that restaurant we were talking about earlier." (on the INside, "I don't give a flying fuck if you ever eat again on this WHOOOOOOOLE trip.")

Everyone ordered, except for Tiva who spent the first 20 minutes using MY cellphone to call her mom about her cellphone dilemma. She also called 2 of her friends AND GAVE THEM MY CELL NUMBER, the dumbass! I snatched my phone out of her hand before she could call someone ELSE. What an ASSbag dumbass!

She got THREE calls.from the SAME girl.during our appetizers. All text messages. But I never handed my phone over for her to answer them. Fuck it, she could get the messages later.

We were all thoroughly enjoying our dinners, smacking our lips the whole time. Tiva was sitting there, looking sullen. I was getting soooo fucking tired of that look. If I could have gotten away with it, I think I would have wrapped her in a blankie & abandoned her at a local hospital, pretending she was a newborn.

Because she was such a tightwad, I did NOT want to share my dinner with her. So you KNOW it killed me that I couldn't finish my dinner and didn't want to haul a carry-out container around the park. DAMMIT.

"Tiva, would you like my ribs?" Before I'd gotten the question out of my mouth, she'd snatched my plate and had sucked the meat off of 3 bones. Not really, but it FELT that fast. You'd have thought she was a junkyard dog that hadn't eaten in WEEKS.

Everyone else followed suit & she ate everything that she was given. Spinach & artichoke dip with a spoon. French fries. Ribs. Steak. And she didn't offer to leave a tip.



Blogger Skyqueen said...

OMG what a great story, I mean not really though for you. I've been reading..cuz hey WTF else am I gonna do at work. I so feel for you. I think i would have had to kill them. I'm still reading....up to part 4. You will totally need some ALONE time after this trip, good god, I don't know how you do it. There were several parts where I just think I would have snapped and then the whole trip would have gone bad. Props to you!!

5:13 PM  
Blogger mb said...

Shit dude, Tiva sucks. I am impressed with your ability to stay calm when faced with such stupidity. Can't wait to read the rest.

7:29 PM  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

Thanks ladies! It was quite the amazing advneture, lemme tell you!

Thanks for showing up & hanging out :)

8:33 PM  
Blogger Skyqueen said...

Your Blog ROCKS, I just read the whole spring break GOD, how did you do it? Then I continued to read about the barbies, that was so funny, seemed like the logical thing to do at the time....I tried to picture a barbie w/ holes where her boobs should be.....AHHHHH scarry, w/ her little squishy head and the dear in the headlights stare. Anway I think your blog is great!!

4:04 PM  
Blogger Vivian to Some said...

Thanks for lurking! I'm totally stealing your word "assbag."

8:29 AM  
Blogger Lost said...

The urge to let Tiva WALK to the airport when you were leaving must have been nigh on irresistable. LOL

6:22 AM  
Blogger Serra said...

Did you actually let that little wretch LIVE to fly home?

11:15 AM  
Blogger GA girl said...

I know people like that. They do not vacation with me. they are the reason I vacation.

2:31 PM  
Blogger GA girl said...


3:10 PM  

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