Friday, June 24, 2005

People Watching at the Boo-fay

You can see the most interesting things in the buffet area of a casino. Man o man I didn't realize that there was such a HUGE array or barely functioning fucktards allowed out in public without supervision. I SERIOUSLY wish I would have brought a digital camera to add a certain "flavor" to this post.

First, in the dessert line was this...this...mutant inbred fuck (from somewhere in Appalachia, I'd bet). Sorry if I offend any "normal-NON-inbred mutant fucks" from Appalachia. She was as wide as she was tall, but that isn't all that unusual at a boofay. Hell, I am a fat ass myself. What I found MOST interesting, besides the 3 partial front teeth that seemed to be dangling by rotting tooth pulp threads, was her hairstyle.

She had long dark hair, probably past her shoulders, I'd guess. She had about 3/4 of it pulled into a loose (read: sexy) pony tail directly on top of her head (think: I Dream of Jeannie-style"). Except that it was CROOKED, so it was in the 1 o'clock position on her head, if you were looking at her from the front and if her face had been shaped like a clock


It was rather full, but lonnnnnngggg. Kinda like a plumped out Twinkie. Or a pear. Or the Elephant Guy from the movie "Mask" (NOT the Kim Carrey one). In addition to the rotting, dangling tooth threads, she had a jutting jaw (think: Jay Leno on facial steroids). I had to force myself to not stare, since I thought she might be retarded, or that she was deformed. And I have never really been able to get used to people whose teeth moved in & out when they talked. Sorta resembled Chiclet-sized bamboo windchimes.


Then I saw her mother/sister/aunt. I don't know who SHE'D been fucked by in the family to breed THAT, but mother/sister/aunt looked almost IDENTICAL to JeanniePearTwinkieHead. Except she was much shorter, like 4' tall. And her front teeth were GONE. I couldn't even THINK about her eating that fried chicken she'd piled onto her plate. On the positive side, having no teeth probably makes her an excellent fellatrix (is that the official word for blowjob giver? LOL). Think about it. No, don't. (runs to wash her eyes out with Drano after THAT vision)


I moved away from JeanniePearTwinkieHead because her hair looked soooo dirrrrrrty. I couldn't be sure that the cinnamon sprinkles on the flan were supposed to be there, or that her tiny friends had jumped ship for the sweeter pastures of custard.


But, HEY, those two had NOTHING on the 2 females who wanted the booth behind us, Shaniqua and ShaNayNay. Wow.

First of all, we were seated in the "premium" dining area, for players who spend enough money to get all of their shit (food, airfare, hotel, gifts, shows etc) comped. Let me state that I was only a GUEST of such a player. I am definitely small-time. Thank God for gambling-addicted pals! But I digress.

The poor waiter was bussing that booth when he was assaulted by those 2 sullen hootchies, carrying their silverware. He looked at their receipt and attempted to guide them back to seats for "outsiders."

"uh uh. Mee-in my fren wanna sit here."

Again, he looked at their receipt and timidly but persistantly attempted to guide them to other seats. An added bonus for HIM would be that they'd be out of HIS section. Nope.

"ah SAY_ED, MAH FREN WANNA SIT HEEEE-YA!" and they plopped their asses down into the booth he'd just cleaned. He slinked away, head down and tail between his legs to get their drinks. Two "co-colas."

Then we had to listen to them bitch amongst themselves, and to anyone in earshot:

"Mutha fuckah was fuh-in wid us cuz we black!"
"What iddat Dy-min Club shit he wuz talkn?!
"He bedduh BRING dat fuh-in co-cola hee-ya, I gots me some TIRST!"

The seating hostess, who'd looked rather surprised since she'd seated them on the OPPOSITE side of the dining room, stopped by to see why they were so unhappy (and at the top of their voices). She had to listen to:

"He fuh-in say-ed we cunt sit in dis Dy-min sexion. whuuda fuckiss Dy-min 'bout it enny-ways? It just be some seats closer to da boofay."

The hostess, smiled and assured her sistahs that they could stay there, using her own GhettoLingo: "Umhmmm, girrrrrllllll, you all kin stay right he-yah. He still be takin care uh you, 'kay?"

This whole exchange reminded me of Debra Wilson's Mad TV character, Bunifa Latifah Halifah Shareefa Jackson. "Ohhhh, I see hah itiz, iss cuz AHM BLACK iddint it?" Um, NO, GhettoFucktard, considering you were SEATED by a black woman, and then you intimidated an ASIAN man.

I would have gone right to their level: "Get your skank-asses back to the cheap seats, before I "thow" yo asses outta here! Ya wanna sit with the big dogs? Ya gotta spend MONEY like the big dogs, mmmmKay? Now shuttup an' go stuff your face."

Good thing I am not in customer service at a casino. I don't think they make an industrial sized vat of Chapstick big enough for my swollen lips, after all the ass kissing I'd have to do. FUCK no.

As the waiter brought their 2 cokes (AS ORDERED), the skinniest GhettoFucktard shrieked, "I wannnn-edd some WAH-TER TOOOOO, DAY-UM! Can't you unnastant no ing-lish?"" Slinky moved away to get their water.

I will never complain about my job again. Wait. Yes I will.


Blogger GA girl said...

I taught in the ghetto for awhile, and you caught the speak pattern perfectly. It brings back so many memories. Sigh...(wipes tear from corner of eye)

4:33 PM  
Blogger Lost said...

People actually talk like that? Holy crap. Poor waiter guy, you know it only got worse.
Glad to see you back.

5:36 PM  
Blogger Serra said...

You caught that TOO well! I'm laughing so hard I've got tears! Someone should have told these morons that the only color that matters in a casino is GREEN.

9:17 AM  
Blogger snaps79 said...

Just when I thought I'd mastered some ghetto slang, you go and kick my ass. I said all of those sentences out loud, because it's more fun that way. Thank God for your updates!

10:34 PM  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

#1. GMTA... I got to this post and realized that you used the Draino bit, too... like in my comment in the other post:)

#2. If it's any consolation, waitstaff being what they are, one can only hope he spit or jacked off into their beverages.

7:56 PM  

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