Friday, June 24, 2005

Northwest really packs em in or...

I'm looking for a T-shirt that says:

"I took a trip to New Orleans and all I got was an imprint of your ass on my knees."

I had the great misfortune of being in the center seat, meaning I had absolutley NOWHERE to stretch my not-so-incredibly-long legs. I had been running on only about 3 total hours of sleep in a 38 hour period (work, insomnia, blahblahblah). I began to doze off almost immediately upon belting in, with my knees wedged firmly into the seat in front of me.

Within minutes, the dumbass biyatch in front of me (traveling with 1 small-but-well-behaved child, and an empty seat next to her) reclines her seat all the way back. I mean ALLLLLLLL the way back. An immediate pain shot from my knees up my thighs (not in a GOOD way, I assure you lol). I reacted by sticking said knees firmly up into her rectum, at LEAST to the kneecaps. SHE reacted by squirming a little. Practically grinding her ass into my knees through the thin upholstery. I considered buying her a drink.

Any CONSIDERATE person might have said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize my seat amputated your legs at the knees." She was SOOO not considerate.

I had the metal bar from the magazine-holder-flap thingy imbedded just under my kneecaps. I tried to straighten my legs underneath her seat, only to actually touch the back of her feet. I would have kept them there, just for shits & giggles except that the metal bars down the back of the seat and underneath it were causing extreme shin pain. FUCK.

I brought my legs out from underneath her seat and shoved them as heard as I could into the back of her seat. Wiggle wiggle squirm squirm went she. "Houston, we have entry," thought I. All the while this coy biyatch pretended to be asleep.

That's when I figured SHE owed ME that fucking drink. She must be used to really thick dudes entering her poop chute cuz both knees slid in without ANY lube, as far as I could tell. Christ, I wasn't even using any protection except for that nasty upholstery. We all know how often they clean THAT shit. I hope I don't catch a disease.

Meanwhile, the HellSpawn from 1 row back was shrieking (as only 2 year olds can), "I STUCK!!! I STUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!" Correction, oh little HellFuck, you are merely restrained by a SEATBELT. There is a distinct difference. Namely, STUCK is what you would have been if I'd been able to dislodge myself from my seat an place your head gently but firmly into the toilet-vac of that smelly closet we were sitting near.

Remember this, my weary fellow travelers: The only reason to EVER sit at the back of an airplane is if YOU have diarrhea, or wish to meet OTHERS who do. 'Nuff said about that one.

whine whine, shrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek, grind grind pretty much covers the 2 hours of my life on that plane.

I seriously thought of fondling the biyatch's ass on the way to baggage claim, but I know she didn't clean herself up after our little public woohoo. On the other hand, I was REALLLY hoping she would give me a kiss, a wink, or at the very LEAST a soft sigh or a "thank you" for all the pleasure I gave her.

Christ, it's not even like I had a fucking CHOICE in the matter. She TOOK me. She took my innocence. It was my first lesbian experience and I didn't even get OFF. Now I am in tears. This was NOT in the brochure!!! Where was the soft skin? Gentle caresses? All I got was rough grinding. And I didn't even get WET. Sigh. Maybe I should ask for a center seat on my NEXT flight & hope for an improved experience.

But it's all good. I am having a great time in New Orleans losing money as expected. I wish I could just win enough to cover the cost of my daughter's upcoming grad party, but I'm not counting on it.

Oh, here is the source of most of my stress lately: Look under "new house"--my daughter is NOT the cause of that stress LOLOL. I am simply an idiot for planning a grad party at a place where I cannot guarantee running water, electricity or toilets by July 9th LOLOL. Must be my masochistic side coming out hehehe


Blogger GA girl said...

Damn. I guess next time I will request a center seat so I can get off on the person behind me. Apparently it was wroking pretty good for the woman in front of you. Imagine coming in a crowded airplane, fully clothed, and seatbelted in. fantasy?

4:38 PM  

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