Saturday, May 06, 2006

Ew. Just. Ewww

This is gross and disgusting and involves a medical procedure. If you are squeamish, this AIN'T the post to be readin'. You'll want to be coming back another day, mmkay?

When I worked for a general surgeon, I assisted her with in-office procedures (biopsies and such). One afternoon, a woman came in needing a cyst on her back evaluated. The doc determined that it needed to be sliced & emptied.

The fucker was HUGE. It's size & shape made it resemble the top 1/4 inch of a golf ball. We both knew that it was gonna have a LOT of shit in it. Shit that would be coming OUT once she sliced into it. We prepped the area & as the doc was injecting local anesthetic around it, it blew. It BLEW. I ducked, still leaving my arm & hand holding the gauze above the patient.

There was such a buildup of pressure around that cyst, but I had NO idea that it would spurt out just from having the area NEXT to it pricked with a needle. Pus squirted over the doc's shoulder. I frantically tried to block it with sterile gauze. But the best was yet to come.

As she poked the tip of the scalpel blade into it, she unleashed the farthest eruption of pus I had never seen. Resembling ricotta cheese, it shot out in multiple directions. I ducked, hand raised like I was in school. The doc did not. She never missed a beat. Her dress bore the brunt of it, along with a framed Monet print on the wall behind her, and the lenses on her glasses (one side). Once the initial explosions were over, the rest was less disorderly. I stood upright and continued assisting her.

In retrospect, I did NOTlook or sound professional. I remember yelping a little as I ducked, and then alternately making "ewwww" sounds and chuckling as I bobbed and weaved like a boxer trying not to get my ass kicked by pus. But I was lucky; at least I only ended up with a spot of it on my scrub top. I can handle a lot of things well, but extremely large quantities of pus is NOT on that list.

In addition to getting the pus out, it was necessary for her to actually remove the wall of the cyst so that it wouldn't come back. Now THAT was a freaky looking thing. She reached her tweezers in there & pulled out what looked like a deflated red balloon.

At this time, I would like to thank Certifiable Princess for the inspiration for this post.


Blogger straight sambucca said...

ewwwwww! but tell me, did it STINK? i think that's the worst thing about pus!

ps: ewwwww!

6:44 PM  
Blogger CP said...



That shit smells SO bad. Seriously. I just busted open another one the other day. This fucker had a fetus embedded in his back! 30 years, man! 30 fucking years worth of rotting ricotta!

For the first time in my professional career, I was forced to leave the room.

I vomited! *LMAO* It was great! It even permeated the Vicks I had under my nostrils!

Best Day Ever!!!!


3:15 AM  
Blogger June Cleaver's Revenge said...

Do you think I have horrible manners for laughing considering this is my first visit and I don't even know you?

If so, I apologize!

12:56 PM  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

I find it amusing that the post before this one is "Corrupting..." and this post is "Erupting..."

I cackled like a loon throughout the entire time I was reading this. Good times!!!

1:20 PM  
Blogger Anne R. Key said...

Holy fack, you people earn every fucking dollar.

I'm gonna remember these stories the next time our provincial government wants to whinge about how much money health care professionals want!

2:04 PM  
Blogger patti_cake said...

My stomach is a little queasy after reading that but I can't say I wasn't warned! You get a gold star for that one Michele!

12:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! Great story!! I love stuff like that.

Tell me, does the wall of the cyst come off easily? Did it peel right off like a sticker? Funny how those things are.

jae fox

1:00 PM  
Blogger Revenge Ho said...

Jesus Christ, I just ate pizza with extra cheese you HAB. I have to go dry my damn panties and throw up at the same time. Thanks.

8:29 PM  
Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

Unlike you, I'm a big fan of pus. I love popping zits and watching it fly. But then again, I think you're talking about more pus than my tiny zits can contain.

8:19 AM  

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