Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Making of an Infomercial

Scene: resembles the 1950’s, targeting an audience packed with perfectly coiffed women wearing pearls.

Mr. Announcer: Ladies, are you tired of being the ones who always have to check the seat before sitting down to ‘do your business’? Tired of replacing floor tiles and wallpaper border? Sick and tired of throwing out full rolls of toilet paper, all because somebody can’t aim well?

Audience: nodding vigorously, smiling much too broadly

Mr. Announcer: We all know it’s a man’s world. Whether you live with just the King or a whole palace full of Princes, too, we have come up with a product to make your life easier!

Audience: bouncing up and down in their seats, applauding wildly, looking animatedly at each other

Mr. Announcer: Are you ready to hear about the most revolutionary product to ever grace your powder room?

Audience: bouncing up and down in their seats, applauding wildly, emitting tiny shrieks

Mr. Announcer: Well, here it is, ladies! I give you the TOILET FUNNEL™!!!!!

Audience: clapping wildly, shrieking loudly, and straining to see what it is.

Mr. Announcer: Here’s the way it works, ladies (a video begins playing as he extols the virtues of the Toilet Funnel):

When someone enters your powder room, a tiny sensor detects a male presence by measuring an Air Testosterone Level (ATL). For females, the system remains inactive, unless it detects a low level of AssAir (AA), an indication that someone is squatting over the seat instead of sitting. Depending upon just how much ATL or AA is present, the Toilet Funnel automatically activates and adjusts its height appropriately.

The Toilet Funnel mechanism then automatically closes the door behind the male and immediately surrounds him mid-thigh level with its patented FlexFunnel™ system. It has a special SplashBack Guard™ that curves back up around to his upper torso. This system is designed to catch urine no matter where he aims his little pee-pee.

Got someone who aims for the toilet tank? No problem, The Funnel’s got you covered! That wallpaper border with the sailboats? He can’t touch this! That basket of toilet tissue next to the commode? Not a problem with Toilet Funnel! The mirror and light fixtures? Impossible to reach! And best of all, he can’t even soil his clothing!

The patented FlexFunnel system is invaluable with drunks! Not only will they urinate into the right porcelain fixture, the Toilet Funnel is dual-purpose! The locking mechanism holds drunks upright at just the right angle to vomit! No more chunks on your throw rugs!

So order now! Operators are standing by!

7 Comments:

Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

"That wallpaper border with the sailboats?"
Poetry, pure poetry.
Bravo, Michele!! :)

12:00 AM  
Blogger GA girl said...

now if it would prevent dogs from pissing in the hallway, i'd be dialing right now!

8:46 AM  
Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Ah, more toilet humor. And Floyd was worried he would go away disappointed this morning.

Floyd has a cure for ga girl's doggie, but he's pretty sure she won't like it.

10:20 AM  
Blogger She who shall not be named said...

I wish!

If only someone would invent this. I nominate you, you should patent it NOW. Before somene else does.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Brenda said...

HA! I need two of those, one for each bathroom!!

1:57 PM  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

See, isn't that what Tom Sizemore got caught using in one of his court-mandated drug screenings? Funnel... "Whizzinator," tomato, tomahto.... it's all the same:)

3:57 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

Your a hoot! Thanks for the laugh

11:15 PM  

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