Monday, September 26, 2005

A Few Basic Life Lessons

Be a decent human being. It’s pretty easy to do. Think before you speak. If what you are about to say or do will hurt someone, hold it in for a moment. Is the fallout going to be worth it? While you might think you’re being funny or cute and it may get a big laugh from others, what will be the ultimate effect on your designated target? If you were looking to be a total asshole, then your goal has been achieved. If you just want to have fun, but don’t want to wound anyone, come up with another way that is less painful for all involved. Even those who laugh are flinching inside.

Don't be a cancer. Don't be the one who eats away at someone's insides. Don't be the one who chokes the life out of others. Don't be the one who causes others to have difficulty swallowing in your presence. Nobody should get the bloody shits from being around you.

Consider Karma. It has long been said “what goes around, comes around.” If you believe in any sort of justice in the universe, you need to seriously check your Karma. How long do you think you can go on living a great life if you consistently fuck over other human beings? There is most likely a larger force than you in the universe. And it probably has a different take on “funny” than you do. I think that larger force would find it MUCH funnier than you would to shit on your head, as you shit on another’s.

Look for the olive branch. You know, that thing carried by the dove of peace? Use it for something other than with which to beat someone. The hardest thing for human beings to do is be the first to apologize. Nobody knows this more so than you. Recognizing this, you need to be receptive to apologies when you meet them. Smile, shake hands, think “How do you do?” Then get over it. This will take time and effort. You don’t need to tidy up in one day. But avoid the urge to slam the door of forgiveness in someone’s face. You will undoubtedly be on the receiving end of that door in the future.

Work for the Greater Good. Sometimes it isn’t all about YOU. Suck it up and take one for the team sometime. Don't look for personal glory. Think of others before you waste food, water, electricity or money. Consider adopting a family for the holidays. Better yet, consider doing something throughout the year when “seasonal volunteers” aren’t thinking about the plight of the less fortunate. People aren’t just in need during the holidays.

Make wise choices/Listen to your instincts. They may not always be the easiest or most obvious choices, but you know in your soul what they are. If something gives you a moment’s pause, or tugs at your gut-strings, it probably isn’t the right thing to do. If you feel lighter inside with your decision, you’ve made the best choice for you.

Rid your life of toxicity. If something causes you such stress that you are physically ill because of it, get rid of it! If someone sucks all of the oxygen out of the room just by showing up, dump them! Life is too short to waste on people you dislike, doing things that you hate.

Don’t be a rescuer. It isn’t your job to “fix” people. We must all grow from within. Don’t be an enabler by rushing to “help” one who truly doesn’t need it. Don’t allow anyone to use you as a crutch or vice versa. Nobody likes a co-dependent.

Get over yourself. Believe it or not, you aren’t even #1 in your mother's universe. What makes you think you are #1 in anyone else’s? We all have our places. We are each just one more living being in a vast pool of other living beings. In case you need a reminder: you probably shit just like everyone else.

Keep things in perspective. Sometimes things just are. Don’t blow things out of proportion. Sometimes things aren’t even as they appear. When you have to work hard at maintaining your fury, perhaps it is time to let it go.

Avoid drama. Creating it, feeding it, nurturing it, and resurrecting it. Cut off its air supply, its food supply and any other lifelines. Without these, it will wither on the vine. If you actually thrive on drama, you should seek professional help for your self-esteem issues.

Avoid the urge to act out. Stop trying to look so cool; it looks pitiful. Don’t work so hard at being an individual that you end up just like everyone else. While doing stupid and/or outrageous things attracts underachievers like moths to a flame, it does not endear you to the type of people you actually seek. When you are left with nothing but the underachievers, it won’t much help your low self-esteem.

Take responsibility. Sometimes it is your fault. Rather than looking to blame someone else, suck it up and admit that you were the one responsible for whatever the misfortune. You alone are in charge or your life and happiness. What you think, say and do weigh far heavier on this outcome than anything anyone else does. Don’t give others that kind of control over you.

Fix your situation or SHUT UP. Don’t like your job? Find another one to which you are better suited. Nobody likes to repeatedly hear how abused you are by your coworkers, bosses and customers. If your job is that horrid, why do you still choose to work there? On the flip side, if you feel disdain for the stupidity and cluelessness of your coworkers, bosses and customers, what are they thinking about you? The fact is, you can’t possibly hide that much hostility no matter how hard you try. In the meantime, STFU if you aren’t serious about changing your situation. We are tired of your endless droning. Besides, it's not like you would take anyone else's advice anyway.

Pamper yourself. You should always buy the softest sheets you can afford. With any luck, you spend approximately 1/3 of your life in bed. It should feel like a little piece of Heaven. There is no better way to do that than 300+ threadcount sheets, or the thickest flannels. Oh, and if you are a bedwetter you should literally Pamper (or Huggies) yourself. You'd KILL yourself for messing up those expensive sheets.

Be kind to animals. Just because that's what decent human beings DO. Sure you can still eat things with a face. Just don't intentionally try to make roadkill. (Disclaimer: this message was definitely not sanctioned by PETA)


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