Ohhhhhhhh, That Feeling!

I used to come up with funny phrases to describe different everyday things. My all-time favorite creation quite accurately described just what happens when you’re away from home and realize that you have to poop.

You know the drill. You are miles from home and get the message from your asshole telling you, “You are gonna need to shit sometime in the next few hours.” This is TRUE if you are driving AWAY from your house. This is FALSE if you are driving TOWARD your house. Allow me to explain. This is the phenomenon known as “Involuntary Sphincter Wink.”

Somehow, your asshole just KNOWS when you aren’t near your house, and won’t be there anytime soon. After it gives you that initial gentle reminder, it seems to go on a break & leaves you alone. You are free to complete whatever business you set out to do.

However, your asshole ALSO knows when you are approaching your own toilet. I think it actually gets excited or something. That’s the only word to describe what it does the closer you get to home.

For instance, within 2 miles of home, your asshole winks ever so slightly and you get a rumble deep in your lower colon. You start hoping that traffic isn’t too bad.

Within 1 mile of your own toilet, the rumble is a bit stronger, a bit lower, and actually hurts a bit. Your asshole actually makes a kissy sensation, outward and then inward. This is a mixture of pleasure and pain. You still dare to squeak out a tiny fart.

Within 1 block of home, you start to wonder if the Phantom Shitter remembered to replace that empty toilet paper holder in the bathroom when he was done. Your asshole mocks you by winking over and over again. Your forehead breaks into a cold sweat. So do your ass and the backs of your thighs. You are afraid to fart. You press your ass onto the driver’s seat in an attempt to cork that winking asshole of yours. At this time, it is appropriate to yell to anyone in the car, “I call dibs on the bathroom!!!”

Once you are in your driveway, the cramping has become other-worldly. Your sadistic asshole is winking furiously at you! There is so much sweat on your ass and thighs that you are convinced that you will never be able to peel your pants down in time. You slam the car in gear and leap out of your car, leaving your driver’s door wide open. With the car still running, the baby still strapped into his car seat, you holler at your 5 year old. You’ve just put her in charge of turning the car off and getting the baby into the house.

You run into the house, leaping over toys and small animals, thinking you are surely about to break your neck and die with shit in your pants. You get into the bathroom, not even taking the time to turn on the light or fan, and leaving the door wide open. You barely make it and proceed to take the biggest, fastest dump of your life. Sweet, JESUS! Your relief is palpable. You’ve overcome Involuntary Sphincter Wink without incident!

Now you just have to deal with the 5 year old, who is now standing in the bathroom doorway holding the baby and scrunching her little face in the “Oooooo, this stinks like shit” face.

Hey, at least it’s not in your pants.