Monday, September 26, 2005

Toilet Etiquette 098: Remedial Toileting for Adults

Fucking-A I hate public restrooms! It doesn’t seem to matter if they are truly public, or just shared between co-workers. You’d think that people would just inherently know the rules.

For example:

1. If you piss on the seat, wipe it off! It doesn’t matter if you are facing it and aiming, or if you are hovering and hoping. Wipe your fucking piss off of the SEAT!

2. Don’t forget to wipe the drips off of the porcelain piece in front either. I am not interested in using the back of my slacks to do it for you, thanks.

3. Guys: stand closer; it isn’t as long as you think. And for God’s sake, tear off a piece of tissue before you get started so you can swab the end of your dick. Forget the shaking already! You’re flinging piss everywhere. You also don’t get any extra masculinity points for banging it on the wall to dry it.

4. Do NOT sit there and scratch your pubes. Ever. And if you DO, don’t forget to wipe away all of the crotch crumbs you left behind. Nobody should be able to tell the color and texture of your pubic hair, which insects you harbor or the color of your undies by the fuzzies you deposit. And God forbid you leave tiny pieces of damp tissue behind. And what is all that other stuff? For chrissake, take a shower once a week or so!

5. Wimmin: do NOT leave any used sanitary products within view. Ever. Wrap whatever it is in toilet tissue. If you don’t want to stick your hand into that little metal mailbox thingy in your stall, then don’t. But do NOT leave your stuff on the back of the toilet, next to it or under it. It is full of YOUR bodily fluids. It is YOUR job to carry it out of the stall and bury it as far down as you can into a trash receptacle. If you don’t want to stick your hand in the trashcan, then don’t. Stick the fucker in your purse and carry it home. Nobody cares as long as we don’t have to see it!

6. Courtesy flushes are your friend. Don’t be embarrassed by them. You will avoid those horrible clogs if you use them appropriately. Whether you are a mega-shitter or just somebody who uses an entire roll of toilet tissue at a time, frequent flushing will avoid over spillage onto your shoes.

7. If you need to shit, please, please for the love of God do not let it marinate! Have mercy on our burning nostrils and eyeballs. See #6.

8. If you are a Bowl Speckler, please wipe any remnants of your rectal blowout from the rim before you leave the stall. See #2.

9. Just picked your nose while hatching? Don’t even think of wiping that booger onto the wall. There is tissue hanging right next to you. Use it please.

10. Graffiti is so passé. But if you’re going to write my name on the wall, at least have the fucking decency to spell it right!

Oh, I almost forgot--to the DOCTOR with the lazy-veering to the left-eye who doesn't get paid to clean his piss from the floor? They don't pay you to PUT IT THERE, either! Assbag...

7 Comments:

Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

OH.

MY.

GOD.

This is golden! I'm going to link back to it as part of an on-going series of mine called "Office Poop Club."

People are such pigs!

10:56 AM  
Blogger HW said...

I would like to kill women that "hover and piss". WTF?!?!?!?! Just because you don't want any germs doesn't mean that I want to sit down and have YOUR PISS stuck to my ass!

JESUS!

8:40 PM  
Blogger Serra said...

Nice work! The post was nice, but you know what I mean.

8:58 PM  
Blogger No_Newz said...

Amen sister! These are a few small reasons why when I was 9-years-old, I invented the She-Pee.
http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/2005/01/to-pee-or-not-to-pee-that-is-question.html
Lois Lane

8:46 PM  
Blogger Pissy Britches said...

CAN YOU please come to my job and explain this shit to my co workers???
PLEASE help us..we have some bathroom freaks around here!

10:25 AM  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

Maven-thanks for the link back!

Bittermom-I don't understand the "hoverers." I mean, I have never met ANYone who likes to sit in piss...so....ummm..WHY do they leave it behind for us to SIT IN?

Serra--thanks ;)

Lois-I LOVED your She-Pee!! You are owed some serious bucks LOL

Pissy--Simply cut and paste this post, enlarge the font and POST THIS FUCKER in the bathroom at work HEHEHE. (I actually DID post the part about the sanitary products when someone left a used pad right on top of the trashcan.ICK)

3:51 PM  
Blogger She who shall not be named said...

I hear you. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE PEE ON THE SEAT???

And on the floor, I don't want my fucking pants soaking up your piss.

I've thought about using signs on every wall. :)

1:02 AM  

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