Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Schmancer, The Schmeckel Dancer

My son has always sparkled. That was simply the best word to describe him as a little guy. He has the most beautiful dark brown eyes; my mother used to say they were like black cherries. He had the cutest, most shit-eating grin you ever saw. I’ll post pictures someday & you’ll see what I meant. He also loved to zoom around the house naked.

Oh yes. These are the stories he will dread when he starts dating, I assure you. I just wish I had the pictures to go along with them. Sparkle THIS! Imagine the pelvic thrust of a 3 year old.

He would streak around the house before a bath. He would streak around the house after a bath. I feel a Dr. Suess-type rhyme coming on:

He’d zoom around without his pants
If he had just half a chance!
His schmeckel he would show to you
Whether or not you’d want him to!

One of the funniest things I remember was when he jumped, naked, into view from the doorway to the family room. In a “ta-da” manner he hollered, “LOOK! It’s BIGGGGGG!!!” Missing a tooth he'd knocked out one year prior, he was smiling from ear to ear.

That little 3 year-old’s erection was a hilarious sight. Of course, being the enlightened mom I didn’t want to wound his little psyche. So instead of shrieking, “Go get your fucking pants on!” I smiled and calmly said, “Yeah, and it will be big again tomorrow, too. Now go and get dressed.”

Blink. Blink. Blink. WTF just happened? "Hope he outgrows that shit," I thought to myself.

In the months to come, he decided that it would be fun to add a little “oomph” to his performance. Instead of just streaking, he now did a little gyrating dance so that his schmeckel would flop up and down, as he laughed maniacally, hands on his hips or behind his head like a Playgirl centerfold’s pose. We were all so used to it that it no longer fazed us.

Unfortunately, my 9 year old daughter’s friend wasn’t. As the naked Schmancer (short for “Schmeckel Dancer”) approached with a running start, my daughter’s eyes got as big as saucers. She tried to stop Schmancer but he burst into her room full-force and shook a mean schmeckel right in her poor friend’s face. That poor girl is now in a residential psych facility, sitting in a corner rocking back and forth, I’m sure of it. Oh wait, she is a freshman in college & lives in a dorm. Same diff.

While the Schmancer has outgrown that version of the schmeckel dance, he hasn’t outgrown his flair for the outrageous. I will pass along other tales of amusement as I remember them. Yes, he is definitely his mother’s son.


Blogger GA girl said...

That is too funny! When I was 9 or so, there was a little boy who lived down the street. He was also a big fan of naked time, and loved showing his privates off. Then when he was 3 or 4 he noticed others weren't impressed with him, so he took to chasing the neighborhood kids with it trying to rub himself on them. I have no idea what happened to this boy, but your story brought it to mind.

8:50 AM  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Oh my... um... my husband STILL does the Schmeckel Dance... with the flippity floppity and pelvic thrusts... some guys never outgrow it.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Seriously, do you know ANY man that has grown out of that stage? Perhaps it's just Floyd...

5:42 PM  
Blogger Jege (Jen) said...

Goddamn, that was funny. What is it with men and their schmeckel dances? Sheesh!

12:04 AM  
Blogger Lost said...

You mean ALL men do that dance??? And here I thought I was priviledged LOL

10:56 PM  

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