Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Hooterless and Uterless: a tutorial

This is about my experience with the aftermath of various female surgeries (through breast cancer and for other various reasons). This isn't a mushy feel-sorry-for-me-get misty-eyed blog. Having survived cancer, and now being a few body parts short of a whole mannequin, I am still the rankest bitch I know. For proof, read the following tutorial.

I couldn't decide which would be the better idea: to write about the stupid, fucked-up idiotic shit that people say/do to someone who no longer has her tits or uterus, OR a tutorial on socially acceptable behavior for said retards. I guess this will be a combination of both.

"How to handle social idiots when you are Hooterless and Uterless: a tutorial"


"Things to NOT say or do to one who is Hooterless and Uterless: a tutorial"

First things first, I am not just a sum of my body parts (that tricky sentence was for all of you math whizzes, of which I am not one hehe).

Facts, as I know them:

1. Just because I no longer have my tits, does NOT make me a man. Please tell this to all of the SPAM vendors who send me their MONEY BACK GUARANTEE to increase my bust size. Without nipples, the effect wouldn't be the same. Really. Trust me on this one.

2. Just because I no longer have a uterus, does NOT make me even MORE of a man. Please tell this to all of the SPAM vendors who send me their MONEY BACK GUARANTEE to increase the size of my penis to "enhance her pleasure." Never having had one (or a matching ballsack), the effect wouldn't be the same. Really. Trust me on this one, too. Although with such clitoral enlargement, plus since I still have a HOLE, you assbags, I surely would be able to fuck myself in the truest sense, right?

3. Just because someone is bald, and has no hooters, and is holding the hand of a man, does NOT make them both "gaywads." It means that I am still a woman and my man loves me, no matter what. It means that he STILL wants to hold my hand, even though you can't figure out how such a handsome man could ever love a "chubby gay guy."

4. A bald and/or hooterless woman isn't necessarily deaf. We can hear you talking about us, whether you whisper or not. And old people are the WORST.

5. A bald and/or hooterless woman isn't necessarily blind either. We can easily see when you are pointing. Especially if you are talking/whispering at the same time. 'Nuf said

6. I don't have to wear a bra with 8 lbs of fake silicone hooters to make YOU comfortable with my cancer. Sure, my clothing won't ever fit right again (sleeves will be too long, necklines too low, front hemlines will be longer than the back), but I can live with that, You should too, or just STFU. Nobody CARES what you think of my appearance. Especially ME.

7. I am still the same lascivious whore I have always been. Trust me on this.

8. As an added bonus, I never have to get a mammogram again.

9. Being uterless=I no longer have to spend a small fortune on feminine products, either. Now I can put more money into T-bills and my IRA!

10. As a hooterless woman, I should be able to mow the lawn without a shirt. I should be able to give neighbors heart failure. I should be able to scare small children and animals. Law Enforcement should not EVEN attempt to write me a ticket, since Mr. POliceman has more up there than I do. Trust me on THAT one, too.

11. A trucker shouldn't write a check his ass can't cash. Specifically, if you write "Show me your tits" in the dirt on your rig, be fully prepared for me to oblige. I just LOVE the expression on your face when you expect fat-chick-hooters and instead get an eyeful of 2 horizontal gashes and my tattoo. Priceless. You make my day. Really. Trust me on this.

12. Roadside placard holders (that means "people who hold up signs along the roadside"). See #4. Even my KIDS know that I can't help but succumb to such temptation. I was THISCLOSE along a route of NASCAR fans on our way home from a race (yeah, I guess that makes me somewhat a redneck too LOL)

13. All of you bead-throwing m'fers in New Orleans: don't make the mistake of offering your beads and then reneging when I lift my shirt. I should get EXTRA strands, just for GUTS, ok? I WILL come after your Indian-giving ass and take your whole STASH. Then where will you be when the girls won't flash you cuz you have none left? HAH. Pay up, fuckers.

Stoopit shit that people have actually said to me:

1. I have been called "sir" in Taco Bell. Not just in the drive-thru lane, but INSIDE as well. I may not have tits, but I am otherwise NOT usually mistaken for a man. For gawds sake, haven't you SEEN my cameltoe??? Guess I'm gonna have to wear tighter pants. Sheesh.

2. I was once asked,"What happened to your tits?" by a drunk guy. WIthout missing a beat, I said "I lost 'em in a bar fight, but you should see the OTHER bitch." Fucking moron, I should have relieved him of his 1 remaining tooth.

3. My sister-in-law, Fugly, takes the cake. After my mastectomies (and when I was bald from chemo) she asked, "So, have you been hit on by any dykes lately?" I immediately replied, "No more so than YOU." (in retrospect I should have said, "not until YOU just hit on me!") Sidenote: any offense at dykes was purely unintentional.

4. Another Fuglyism after my hysterectomy, 2 years after my breast cancer (at least my HAIR had grown back lol): "So, you officially ARE a guy now." Then she proceeds to tell me a little story with a high "ICK" factor: "When I had MY hysterectomy (vaginally), the doctor put my G-spot right where your brother could find it." You have to imagine the smug look on her face. Then you have to imagine how lightning-fast I wiped it OFF. I mean, I KNOW my brother is a selfish, narcissistic pig. She sleeps alone in the master bedroom while he spends 24/7 in his basement office on the computer. Ain't NUTHIN happenin' to HER hole in that house ROFLMAO.

My response to her: "He put it on my brother's computer keyboard????" Now THAT was a priceless moment. Bitch, don't EVEN attempt battle if you don't possess the weapons that I do. Go play with someone in your OWN league. Oh wait, you don't HAVE a league. Sucks to be you.

So, now you are all well-edumacated in how NOT to be an asshole around a hooterless uterless woman. If you choose to stray from the tutorial, do so at your own risk. I know I can't be the ONLY bitch who reacts this way :)

That is all


Blogger Lost said...

Dear gawd some people are assholes aren't they? I find it hard to fathom how people can just be so RUDE to another person.

I am part of the uterless crowd and I've been as happy as a damn clam since I got rid of that thing LOL Can you say no more Aunt Flo? hahahahaha

You are who you are and we love you no matter what bits you have or don't have.

7:32 AM  
Blogger Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

Great post! I like to think the best of people, but sometimes you wonder if there really is a good side to some of them when you read stuff like this...

8:03 AM  
Blogger GA girl said...

When my mom had a boob cut off, I know it was real hard for her. She's very dependent on others opinions so the whole bald and lopsided thing really got to her. She has reconstructive surgery where they sliced open her stomache and stole tissue to make a really bad fake boob. She constantly regrets doing it because her belly was never the same since they slashed through all of her muscles and her boob no longer matches the other since she out on weight. Be proud of who you are and be happy that you are a survivor. Regardless as to what parts you have or don't have, you will always be more woman than your sister-in-law. Fugly and people like her get really nervous when people are happy with themselves, that's why they try to knock you down. Glad you're posting again!

9:58 AM  
Blogger Pisser said...

I *love* this...good show!

This should be posted in a gyno's office, actually, EVERY Dr.'s office. But they would never do anything that useful.

Reminds me of an HBO documentary I saw on breasts, including some horrible implant aberrations as well as several women who had mastectomies. Great if you can find it...

8:24 PM  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

First time reader here. I. AM. HOOKED. Boobless or uterless, I will tell you this: YOU HAVE ONE ADMIRABLE SET OF BALLS ON YOU. 'Nuff said.

Not going in for the smarmy, disingenuous, baloney "oh I feel sorry for you," shit. I ADMIRE YOU. YOU ARE A SURVIVOR. You "had me" with this line:

"I don't have to wear a bra with 8 lbs of fake silicone hooters to make YOU comfortable with my cancer."

I'm emotionally scarred from viewing those man teats... shit... some kind of warning would have been nice for that. I have to go draino out my eye-sockets now.

And MY GOD WOMAN, you have a rip roaring sense of humor and rapier wit. I am a mere "grasshoppah" to your Young Caine, woman!!! Lines that had me LITERALLY grabbing my gut and LAUGHING MY ASS OFF:

[...] "For gawds sake, haven't you SEEN my cameltoe???"

I could go on and on with my comments, but rather than that, I will tip my (albeit female) hat to you, and continue reading your other posts, and hope to be a regular reader.

PS: One thing you neglected to add to your #8 would be never having to worry about walking thru the frozen food section at the market again...

7:42 PM  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

lost:I totally agree--I woulda paid cash money for that operation of the insurance hadn't LOL

woo-woo: I also try to find the best in people. I've just come to realize that some people are just full of ugly :)

ga: I think I might have felt totally different if I'd only had one removed. But since everything is even, it doesn't bother me. I DID notice, however, that without boobs I resemble the penguins from that old beer commercial--where they'd waddle while singing "doobie doobie doooooo" LOL

pisser: tyty. I will check out that link

nuggetmaven: welcome, grasshopper! I used to tell my husband "oooooooo, if I had nipples, they'd be hard!" It's weird, but I still have that sensation occasionally, but no visible effects lol

1:14 AM  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Michelle, now thanks to the wonder of latex and marketing, even you, too, can be a Nippled American...

Check this out...

Who'dathunkit? Hood ornaments:)

10:46 AM  
Blogger GA girl said...

Oh my GAWD! Who thought up fake nipples to put on your real nipples so you'd always look cold? Had to be a man.

Michele, i have a bone to pick with you. You post awesome stuff, and then abandon us, and then you come back with a HILARIOUS post, and then you disappear again. I want you to keep writing. I want new stuff daily, or at least weekly. You are so funny, and while I check many blogs, you are one of my favorite. I keep feeling rejected when you disappear on us. Unless you want my therapy bills on your conscience, write more often. Please?????? Okay? Okay. Thanks you for listening to my rant.

1:58 PM  
Blogger snaps79 said...

The camel-toe line was priceless. I hope you've upgraded to tighter pants. WHOA. Haha!!

10:19 PM  

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