Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Hooterless and Uterless: a tutorial

This is about my experience with the aftermath of various female surgeries (through breast cancer and for other various reasons). This isn't a mushy feel-sorry-for-me-get misty-eyed blog. Having survived cancer, and now being a few body parts short of a whole mannequin, I am still the rankest bitch I know. For proof, read the following tutorial.

I couldn't decide which would be the better idea: to write about the stupid, fucked-up idiotic shit that people say/do to someone who no longer has her tits or uterus, OR a tutorial on socially acceptable behavior for said retards. I guess this will be a combination of both.

"How to handle social idiots when you are Hooterless and Uterless: a tutorial"


"Things to NOT say or do to one who is Hooterless and Uterless: a tutorial"

First things first, I am not just a sum of my body parts (that tricky sentence was for all of you math whizzes, of which I am not one hehe).

Facts, as I know them:

1. Just because I no longer have my tits, does NOT make me a man. Please tell this to all of the SPAM vendors who send me their MONEY BACK GUARANTEE to increase my bust size. Without nipples, the effect wouldn't be the same. Really. Trust me on this one.

2. Just because I no longer have a uterus, does NOT make me even MORE of a man. Please tell this to all of the SPAM vendors who send me their MONEY BACK GUARANTEE to increase the size of my penis to "enhance her pleasure." Never having had one (or a matching ballsack), the effect wouldn't be the same. Really. Trust me on this one, too. Although with such clitoral enlargement, plus since I still have a HOLE, you assbags, I surely would be able to fuck myself in the truest sense, right?

3. Just because someone is bald, and has no hooters, and is holding the hand of a man, does NOT make them both "gaywads." It means that I am still a woman and my man loves me, no matter what. It means that he STILL wants to hold my hand, even though you can't figure out how such a handsome man could ever love a "chubby gay guy."

4. A bald and/or hooterless woman isn't necessarily deaf. We can hear you talking about us, whether you whisper or not. And old people are the WORST.

5. A bald and/or hooterless woman isn't necessarily blind either. We can easily see when you are pointing. Especially if you are talking/whispering at the same time. 'Nuf said

6. I don't have to wear a bra with 8 lbs of fake silicone hooters to make YOU comfortable with my cancer. Sure, my clothing won't ever fit right again (sleeves will be too long, necklines too low, front hemlines will be longer than the back), but I can live with that, You should too, or just STFU. Nobody CARES what you think of my appearance. Especially ME.

7. I am still the same lascivious whore I have always been. Trust me on this.

8. As an added bonus, I never have to get a mammogram again.

9. Being uterless=I no longer have to spend a small fortune on feminine products, either. Now I can put more money into T-bills and my IRA!

10. As a hooterless woman, I should be able to mow the lawn without a shirt. I should be able to give neighbors heart failure. I should be able to scare small children and animals. Law Enforcement should not EVEN attempt to write me a ticket, since Mr. POliceman has more up there than I do. Trust me on THAT one, too.

11. A trucker shouldn't write a check his ass can't cash. Specifically, if you write "Show me your tits" in the dirt on your rig, be fully prepared for me to oblige. I just LOVE the expression on your face when you expect fat-chick-hooters and instead get an eyeful of 2 horizontal gashes and my tattoo. Priceless. You make my day. Really. Trust me on this.

12. Roadside placard holders (that means "people who hold up signs along the roadside"). See #4. Even my KIDS know that I can't help but succumb to such temptation. I was THISCLOSE along a route of NASCAR fans on our way home from a race (yeah, I guess that makes me somewhat a redneck too LOL)

13. All of you bead-throwing m'fers in New Orleans: don't make the mistake of offering your beads and then reneging when I lift my shirt. I should get EXTRA strands, just for GUTS, ok? I WILL come after your Indian-giving ass and take your whole STASH. Then where will you be when the girls won't flash you cuz you have none left? HAH. Pay up, fuckers.

Stoopit shit that people have actually said to me:

1. I have been called "sir" in Taco Bell. Not just in the drive-thru lane, but INSIDE as well. I may not have tits, but I am otherwise NOT usually mistaken for a man. For gawds sake, haven't you SEEN my cameltoe??? Guess I'm gonna have to wear tighter pants. Sheesh.

2. I was once asked,"What happened to your tits?" by a drunk guy. WIthout missing a beat, I said "I lost 'em in a bar fight, but you should see the OTHER bitch." Fucking moron, I should have relieved him of his 1 remaining tooth.

3. My sister-in-law, Fugly, takes the cake. After my mastectomies (and when I was bald from chemo) she asked, "So, have you been hit on by any dykes lately?" I immediately replied, "No more so than YOU." (in retrospect I should have said, "not until YOU just hit on me!") Sidenote: any offense at dykes was purely unintentional.

4. Another Fuglyism after my hysterectomy, 2 years after my breast cancer (at least my HAIR had grown back lol): "So, you officially ARE a guy now." Then she proceeds to tell me a little story with a high "ICK" factor: "When I had MY hysterectomy (vaginally), the doctor put my G-spot right where your brother could find it." You have to imagine the smug look on her face. Then you have to imagine how lightning-fast I wiped it OFF. I mean, I KNOW my brother is a selfish, narcissistic pig. She sleeps alone in the master bedroom while he spends 24/7 in his basement office on the computer. Ain't NUTHIN happenin' to HER hole in that house ROFLMAO.

My response to her: "He put it on my brother's computer keyboard????" Now THAT was a priceless moment. Bitch, don't EVEN attempt battle if you don't possess the weapons that I do. Go play with someone in your OWN league. Oh wait, you don't HAVE a league. Sucks to be you.

So, now you are all well-edumacated in how NOT to be an asshole around a hooterless uterless woman. If you choose to stray from the tutorial, do so at your own risk. I know I can't be the ONLY bitch who reacts this way :)

That is all

Sunday, July 24, 2005

More to come

I have truly been a slacker bitch. I am just catching up on everyone ELSE'S blogs, and will be posting some follow ups to Spring Break, My Fambly and other shit soon!