Drunken Bus Drivers
Went to a bar with a friend of mine for dinner. I love to people watch. There were all types in there; we appeared to be the only non-smokers. We were also the only non-drinkers. My 12yo son was with us. I was joking around that the ladies sitting at this huge round table were school bus drivers. The time of day was right.
Their collective "look" was also right. What is the outfit du jour of a female schoolbus driver in our district, you ask? That would be short shorts, tight fitting short sleeved shirts, ankle socks and tennis shoes. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the prerequisite camel toe, since the school district has been instructed to cut sex ed. They figure the kids will see Bus Driver Toe and ask mommy & daddy all about it once they hop off the bus.
Now, you have to keep in mind that these female bus drivers are of all ages. The average age of this group was probably late 40-ish. Average weight was probably 200 lbs, and not at all proportionate to height. Remember this equation, kiddies: Camel toe + late 40-ish + overweight = extremely high ICK factor. And not a single one of them could sit like a lady. They sat as if they were straddling a chair backwards. I thank my lucky stars that the lighting was subdued or I might have been able to detect if the carpet matched the drapes, whether I wanted to or not.
We kept cracking jokes--asking the waitress for shots of "Drunken Bus Drivers." We pretended to be on "Jeopardy": "I'll take 'Drunken Bus Drivers for $500, Alex." One of them turned around & looked right at my son. Holy Hell! He recognized her as HIS bus driver. We laughed hysterically. Especially when we told him he'd most likely have to WALK to school now that she saw him there.
Funny thing about her, though. When she looked at him, I don't think she really SAW him. Her eyes seemed to look toward the OUTSIDE of her head--as if she had the ability to see out the right and left windows of the bus at the same time but not straight ahead. Wow. Who'da thought that Freak Eye would be an asset in a school bus driver!
Their collective "look" was also right. What is the outfit du jour of a female schoolbus driver in our district, you ask? That would be short shorts, tight fitting short sleeved shirts, ankle socks and tennis shoes. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the prerequisite camel toe, since the school district has been instructed to cut sex ed. They figure the kids will see Bus Driver Toe and ask mommy & daddy all about it once they hop off the bus.
Now, you have to keep in mind that these female bus drivers are of all ages. The average age of this group was probably late 40-ish. Average weight was probably 200 lbs, and not at all proportionate to height. Remember this equation, kiddies: Camel toe + late 40-ish + overweight = extremely high ICK factor. And not a single one of them could sit like a lady. They sat as if they were straddling a chair backwards. I thank my lucky stars that the lighting was subdued or I might have been able to detect if the carpet matched the drapes, whether I wanted to or not.
We kept cracking jokes--asking the waitress for shots of "Drunken Bus Drivers." We pretended to be on "Jeopardy": "I'll take 'Drunken Bus Drivers for $500, Alex." One of them turned around & looked right at my son. Holy Hell! He recognized her as HIS bus driver. We laughed hysterically. Especially when we told him he'd most likely have to WALK to school now that she saw him there.
Funny thing about her, though. When she looked at him, I don't think she really SAW him. Her eyes seemed to look toward the OUTSIDE of her head--as if she had the ability to see out the right and left windows of the bus at the same time but not straight ahead. Wow. Who'da thought that Freak Eye would be an asset in a school bus driver!
posted by Michele in Michigan at 8:45 PM
6 Comments:
All right, so WTF? is like my catch phrase.
All right, it's not really, but I like it.
Wish I'd thought of it. :)
LOVE YOU. MISSED YOU. Doesn't matter that "I" was the one out of state (Vermont). Glad to click and see you posted.
Your post reminds me of a website: www.ratemycameltoe.com
Inquiring minds want to know, was it a FRONT TO BACK TOE? You know the type... the TOE is so INTENSELY DEEP that you know the inseam of those Daisy Dukes need to be hit with not only some Spray and Wash, but also a firm bristled nail brush to scrub away the "day's ick."
Me miss you long time.
PS: re: carpets matching the drapes... depending on how slovenly those gals were, and how short those shorts were... I wouldn't be surprised if you were able to do a Helen Keller, and be able to read their lips.
Bus Driver Toe--EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
glad you're back. any camel toe is icky, but ugly camel toe is real gross. be glad it was dim.
makes you feel safe about sending your kid off to school, doesn't it?
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