Monday, February 20, 2006

ohsweetgeebus wassat SMELL?

I am still shaking my head violently, sneezing and trying to blow the gawdawful SMELL out of my sinuses. I seriously need to consider a lawsuit against a patient's husband for Olfactory Assault. Rectum? He damn near KILLED 'em!

Sweet patient. RANK husband. SERIOUSLY rank. I mean it. In addition to BEING an asshole, he SMELLED like one. Well, actually he smelled WORSE than just ONE. Oh sweet Geebus, I don't know where to begin. I can only hope to paint you the picture of what was my own private HELL. Thankfully, it only overwhelmed 8 of my 12 hours on duty.

This happened over 2 weeks ago, so you KNOW it was bad if I am STILL experiencing it. I was taking care of a new mom and baby. On her last night in the hospital, her husband (who'd stayed home for 2 previous nights with a cold) decided to spend the night in his wife's hospital room.

He was a big guy; tall, wide and rather pear-shaped (which looks really strange on a dude). He was arrogant, demanding and just a pain. in. my. ass. I tried my best to make sure he was comfortable, even getting a twin sized cot for him to use. Hot beverages. Cold beverages. Ice packs for his neck. Heating pad for his back. Extra pillows. Extra blankets. Adjusting the thermostat. I was a regular fucking Concierge. I have no problem providing for my patients, and their spouses to some degree. But when their level of assholiness reaches HIS, I am THROUGH. The worst was yet to come, however.

Being their first baby, they had a lot of learning needs. All of the things I'd spent time teaching her now needed repeating to HIM because he didn't seem to believe it when it came out of HER mouth. Oh joy. Oh rapture. I did NOT get into the nursing profession to fix marital issues in 48 short hours. I wasn't wearing my clerical collar that night either.

He was finally all settled on his cot, and I stepped out of the room to grab some breast pumping supplies. He knew I was coming right back. I opened their door, stepped in and closed the door behind me. And then it bludgeoned me furiously about the head and upper body.

Ass gas. Swamp gas. Sewer gas from HELL. ohsweetgeebus. It was as if he had inhaled and I was vacuumed deep up into his colon. I HAD to have been. There was no other logical explanation for that level of stink. It was un-Godly. I have NEVER smelled anything so vile in my entire life. Ever. Not near a rendering factory, not at a sewage treatment plant. I was quickly losing consciousness and my ability to see. How in the FUCK can I stay in this room, smiling, talking, breathing in & out and acting like I don't notice that his emissions are surely that of a diseased cancerous cow? They both acted like nothing had happened although their new baby's eyes were bugged out like that scene in Arnold Schwartzenegger's movie "Total Recall" when he & Melina are out in Mars' non-atmosphere without masks and oxygen.

"It" took on a life of its own--permeating my very soul. I was sure that "It" lingered on my clothing. He might as well have wiped his ass with me, "It" was that bad. I was in that room for what seemed an eternity. It was actually only 4 or 5 minutes. As I stepped out of their room, I made sure to not inhale my breaths in gulps outside of their door. Good thing, too.

The green cloud rolled under the closed door and wafted into the hallway like a fog machine at a concert. I ended up having to go up and down the halls with air freshener, stopping at their room to aim an extra blast toward the bottom of their door. However, my hell was only just beginning.

Mama walked down the hall to shower and the Swamp Creature decided to leave their door open to air out that room. Did he bother to crack the window at all? Noooooooo. Did he think to perhaps HOLD "It" IN? Noooooooooooooooo. Patients began calling the nurses station as well as my cell phone (we carry hospital-issued phones while working)to ask about "It."

How can I delicately explain exactly what they smell? I certainly don't want to lie and tell them that it is the sewer system. They would badmouth us to their friends & we'd lose business. I REALLY want to embarrass that arrogant Sharer of the Ass Air from Hell and point toward their room, but his wife is a sweetie.

My co-workers thought I was exaggerating until they smelled it and didn't even have to walk down my HALL. Our unit is T-shaped, with the offending hall as the long part of the "T." The Swamp Creature was actually wayyyyyyyy at the BOTTOM of the "T"--at the FAR END of that hall.

Later that night, I asked one of my co-workers to take a baby from the nursery & into mom's room to nurse. We were so busy that I didn't even think to warn her that she was entering "It's" room. This was several hours past the initial assault; how much Ass Air could he still have anyway? Apparently, "enough."

She came back into the nursery with her hands covering her nose & mouth, walked up to me and quietly said, "Remember this: Paybacks are HELL." I apologized profusely.

The resident doctors make their rounds between 6 & 7am. One of the residents was preparing to go into "It's" room. I debriefed her and then offered her some Vick's Vapo Rub for her nostrils. She took me up on it. A few minutes later, she came out of that room, eyes practically bugging out. "What WAS that???" she asked. We agreed that it was OtherWorldly.

Even writing about it, after all this time, makes my mouth water in that "ohgeebusIhavetopuke" way.

Ahhhh, all in a day's work in the life of a nurse.


Anonymous JaeFox said...

I am seriously reconsidering my career change. I thought you said nursing is a GOOD thing. I am simply not cut out for literally - shit like that - at this stage of my life.

Your post had me laughing out loud about 12 different times. way too funny.

10:58 PM  
Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Yanno, the best defense is a good offense. If I were you, I would have gone in to her room late at night, ostenisbly to check up on her while she slept, and as I passed his cot, I would have queefed like there's no tomorrow. Babe... one word: MALITOL. Eat some Russell Stover sugar free chocolates... that'll do ya fine for fuelin' up your own fartalicious fog machine:)

1:16 AM  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

Jae: no, you're good. It's a great profession. Except for him. Call me & I'll give you his name so you can avoid him in the future hehehe

Maven: no, no, NO! You don't understand just how BAD this was. Any fragrant contribution I would have added would have made NO dent in that cancerous-colon/autopsy-of-a-10-days-dead-man smell.

10:13 PM  
Blogger Pokey said...

That is so nasty. I can't believe his ass air smelled that bad. That's disgusting! Gross!

12:51 PM  
Blogger Big Cute Lady said...

Sorry, I changed my address to

10:32 PM  
Blogger Anne R. Key said...

Holy fuck, girl.

1:25 AM  
Blogger Pisser said...

Yøu are a white-winged goddess and a saint, and I say this not only because my Blowhard Uncle Scott insulted the nurses in the hospital where my grandfather was dying, and my cousin, who is a nurse-in-training at same hospital, had to walk around with his scrubbie cap thing over his face for the next 3 days. Yes, B.O.S. rivals "Its" fart but I think the fart still wins by a nose.

Could it be Crohn's (?) disease? Because this ass we know has it and he tends to firebomb other peoples' bathrooms and then complain that they didn't have a) enough TP or b) air-freshener. In other words, he can't admit he stinks. But why in God's name would anyone go and reproduce with Corpse-Smelling Ass Child-Bearing Hips Entity?! Has she lost her sense of smell?!

Maybe her nose hairs were so singed the first time he farted during sex, she never recovered.

11:23 PM  
Blogger CP said...

How. How can you, in good conscience, call yourself a nurse and allow that baby to be in the room with that assbag? You do realize the child is probably permanently retarded now. His growth is probably stunted. He will probably need a lung transplant. The first word he will say is "adoption" as soon as he can speak.

Of course, I keed, I keed. I don't know what brought me into nursing. Instead of staying in law, where I deal with assholes, now I am in nursing, where I deal with the smells of assholes.

I still can't decide which is worse.


10:23 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

Coming from a nurse, who has probably smelled the worst of the worst - for you to be dying like that, I cannot imagine how bad it had to have been. What a pig. Poor mom and baby.

6:02 AM  
Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

Finally, there is someone in this world who's farts are more rancid than mine. I don't feel so bad letting it rip now. Thanks for giving me a level of security I have never before had. You're great!

8:28 AM  
Blogger Floyd's Lists said...

Still with the fart stories, eh?

11:42 AM  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

Pokey--it was BAAAAD

Anne--OMFG. That is all.

Pisser--it HAD to be SOMETHING. It was not just other-worldly---it was other COLONLY. Mom HAD to have lost her sense of smell. Either that, or just some reallllly hefty drugs.

CP--I know, I know. I have since wept for that child...

Laurie--you've got THAT right--poor NEIGHBORHOOD lol

Cheetah--I am all about providing security hehehe

Floyd--of course {FWAAAAAAPPPPP}

10:08 AM  
Blogger Smitty said...

You should have tried to bottle it and sell it as a WMD on the black market.

11:25 PM  
Blogger Michele in Michigan said...

Smitty--that is a terrific idea. It was JUST THAT BAD


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