my surreal cat-astrophe

Oh my FRIGGIN GAWD!!!!!!!!

We have 5 playful cats. As I was sitting at my computer, I heard the "rustlerustle" of a kitty poking her head into a plastic grocery sack, as my girls often do. Sometimes they go "hunting" and pull out a packaged food item or a piece of fresh fruit. But not today.

Luna, otherwise known as "Chicken Cat," is playful but somewhat skittish. I knew she was "in the bag" because all of the others were in my sight. "Boy," I thought, "she is really enjoying that bag!"

Wrong. She HAD been enjoying that bag, until she tried to get out of it and ended up somehow sticking her head through one of the "handles."

She began to tear-ass around the family room, RUSTLERUSTLEZOOOOOOOM! Into the Foyer, RUSTLERUSTLEZOOOOOOOM!!! Into the living room, RUSTLERUSTLEZOOOOOOOM!!!!! Back into the family room & then throughout the kitchen RUSTLERUSTLEZOOOOOOOM went the Chicken Cat.

You have to picture this: her entire ass-end is IN THE BAG. Her head is sticking THROUGH A HOLE. You can only see her head and her front legs. She looked like a reindeer on Christmas Eve, except that she was mowing down all of the OTHER reindeer (Meep, Callie, Cleo and Boots) in her quest to rid herself of the bag.

She didn't have a clue as to what was going on. The OTHER reindeer didn't have a clue either. Do you know how an aquarium full of fish scatters when something frightens them, and they all bang into each other AND the tank? That was the scene that played out.

Cats were running one way, then Chicken Cat would reverse & run right into them, causing them to all follow her until she reached a wall & repeated ad infinitum.

I finally was able to step into her path, letting her nail me in the shin as I tried to release the bag's death grip. She barely broke stride as I got the bag off of her.

Oh, did I mention that Chicken Cat got so frightened that she pissed in the bag as she was running? Did you know that a cat in a urine-filled bag, racing at cheetah speeds through a house can shower urine like nobody's business?? I could just SMELL the fear in her as I ran with the bag toward the trash. And Chicken Cat justa kepp onnnn runnin.

FUUUUCKKKKKK.

Did I mention that her most favorite hiding place in the whole wide world is under my bed? And that she now REEKED of "fear urine?" I couldn't coax her dumbass out from under the bed & she was too far in for me to grab a piss-soaked leg or tail. Oh my God, the SMELL. By the way, she'd also worked herself up into a raging puke as well.

FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK.

I had to leave Chicken Cat alone for awhile to settle herself down. All of the other reindeer were slinking around the house, hackles up, tails POOFED to the max and doing that open-mouthed thing they do when they are sniffing deeply. They wanted nothing to do with me, or each other.

I then went around the house to assess the damage. CHA-CHING! Piss on the hardwood foyer floor...which led to the closet door, ... which led UP the closet door..which led to the throw rug.

FUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I managed to clean as best I could & then set out to retrieve one Chicken Cat. She was sitting on the floor, just inside the bedroom door. I managed to get her to come near & then I whipped out a wet towel that had bacterial soap on it. I scrubbed her until she practically foamed. I didn't give TWO SHITS if she licked herself SICK. I just hope I got her cleaned up before she went up on my BED.

FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK

When we move into the new house, guess who's gonna be the first coyote snack??